Game Snobs

We are more or less in love with Doctor Who, especially the newest series.  Which is why it was with a heavy heart that we sneered at news of a Doctor Who console game when it broke in March.  For one thing, the first reports came from The Sun, which has a reputation for publishing stories that are a little made up-y.  Well, the non-bikini-related ones, anyway.  For another thing, the reports said that the BBC had signed a contract with Nintendo to produce the game, which made little sense.  Nintendo doesn’t make licensed games.  And for a thirdly thing, news later broke that the BBC would release free Doctor Who PC adventure games through their website, which seemed to explain the original rumors as a simple misunderstanding.

Well, things have become complicated.  It turns out there will be new Doctor Who games on Nintendo systems, but they aren’t being made by Nintendo.  Asylum Entertainment will release Doctor Who: Return to Earth for the Wii and Doctor Who: Evacuation Earth for the DS.

This is awful news.  Yes, a Doctor Who game would be perfect for the DS, which is a grossly underrated adventure game platform.  Who cares about a Wii title except for small babies?  But a DS game we could get behind.  However, there’s the sad fact that these games are being made by Asylum Entertainment, makers of such classics as Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension, Kid Ninja: Spirit of the Dragon, and Sushi Go Round.

In other words, strap on your shitmonger boots, because this smells like shovelware.

We talk about Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light a fair bit on the next episode of Jump Jump Die.  In short, we love it.  And as the critical consensus seems to be well on our side, we don’t feel it necessary to explain our love much more.

But it’s worth noting how effortless the platforming feels.  In the past, running and jumping and sliding and swinging in games with an isometric view has been a nightmare.  Analog sticks have solved a lot of these problems, but there’s still been an issue with precision.

As robotic and awful as the early Tomb Raider controls were, the block and grid system made sure you knew exactly how far you could jump and where you needed to be to make that jump.  It was clunky, but it made navigating a 3D space a more precise system than it could have been.

But in the 2D space, precision platforming is all about feel.  We know how fast, how high, and how far Mario can vault, and we know his physics feel right.  But since Mario 64 eliminated the need for Tomb Raider’s grids and blocks by switching to analog controls, 3D platformers have lost the feel of a good jump.  With a few big exceptions (The Sands of Time, Sly Cooper), 3D platforming has erred on the side of floaty.

Guardian of Light gets the jumps right.  It feels good to move in this world.  It’s a 3D game with a 2D view, but its controls aren’t hampered by the limits of either.

Very nice work.

As if you weren’t already going to purchase Portal 2.

Let it be known that we submitted another irresistible idea to Valve that would ensure Portal 2’s place at the top of history’s hit-whoring ranking lists.  We can’t say what that idea is nor whether those mad geniuses will listen.

But we shall find out in February.

If there’s one thing you can say about us, it’s that we’re hypocrites.  This is why we can say we’re no big fans of cluttering your living space with garish plastic tchotchkes despite the fact that our living space is cluttered with garish plastic tchotchkes.  But if one were to indulge in such disgusting habits, one could do much worse than purchasing this amazing set of little Chrono Trigger-themed dioramas reviewed at Tomopop.  We are big fans of Sir Frog!  And we are but human! 

Well, now.  This is what we like.